5. Captain Irony
It’s all about the irony. He always suggests you eat at Applebee’s, because it’s ironic! He’ll show up at a fancy dinner party with a couple Totino’s Party Pizzas… FOR IRONY! Eventually, you find out that he’s super-broke and likes to eat garbage. And, he doesn’t know what ironic means.
4. The Breadless Wonder
Not celiac or anything, but experienced a huge life change after going gluten-free after self-diagnosing a gluten sensitivity via a 2013 copy of Cosmo that was at the dentist’s office. Somehow continues to express wide-eyed bewilderment that exchanging grilled cheeses and chicken fingers for salads have led to increased energy and weight loss.
3. The Authenticator
“The Authenticator” fancies himself the arbiter of “authenticity” when it comes to a wide range of cuisines that originate in countries he has never experienced outside of a half-assed viewing of Bizarre Foods during a hangover. This person brags “we were the only white people in the restaurant” with a frequency and fervor that kind of weirds everybody else out. Does not respond well to being corrected.
2. The Competitive Eater
No, not like the hot-dog-eating contest competitive. That dude’s cool! In this case, “The Competitive Eater” is that person who can’t let someone else talk about a trip they’ve taken, a dish they’ve cooked, or a restaurant they’ve tried without immediately pointing to something they’ve experienced that is undoubtedly superior. Gets weirdly upset when the table concludes someone else’s entree was better than theirs.
1. The Elite Yelper
Enters any beloved restaurant with an unspoken plan to “take them down a peg,” ready to pounce on the slightest misstep in service and levy unfounded complaints about the texture of the pasta. Of course, if the establishment in question caters to “The Elite Yelper’s” outsized ego when they casually let it slip that they’re a “restaurant critic,” things might play out differently. Re-reading particularly biting one-star reviews in the dark of night before falling asleep is the only thing that keeps the loneliness at bay.