16. The Intrepid Forager

The grocery store is but a tool of the establishment according to “The Intrepid Forager”, who relishes in combing alleys, road shoulders, forests, and parks looking for dandelion leaves, mustard greens, or any other weed they can claim tastes “so incredibly bright and peppery.” What they don’t tell you is that they have been accused of trespassing on multiple occasions.

15. The Basic

It’s entirely possible “The Basic” subsists solely on avocado toast and a stockpile of pumpkin spice lattes meticulously hoarded during the autumn months. It’s not likely, but it’s possible.

14. The Trend Humper

Swears that Matcha Turmeric Jackfruit Poke Bowl tastes good, but you’re pretty sure The “Trend Humper” is just showing off as efficiently as possible.

13. The Customizer

Where a normal person sees a menu, “The Customizer” sees an abundance of opportunity to make bizarrely specific requests like taking the Bordelaise sauce from the short ribs and applying it to the duck breast, but then demanding that the roasted parsnips on the side be switched for the potato galette that comes with the chicken. If the server resists, “The Customizer” is not above citing an allergy that doesn’t actually exist.

12. The Offal Evangelist

More like “awful” evangelist? Right?! Actually, it’s important to honor the animal by consuming as much of it as possible, but at some point, you just have to accept that Aunt Maxine just isn’t going to be hopping on the duck tongue train anytime soon.

11. The Guilt-Tripping Vegan

It’s one thing to go vegan. It’s another thing to casually show everyone videos documenting the horrors of pork production while you’re checking out a hot new restaurant. that you suggested called Le Porcine. Was this your plan the whole time? Look, if there’s a pig on the sign, you don’t get to feign surprise when there’s bacon in everything.

10. The Repatriated Expat

It’s been two years since “The Repatriated Expat” moved back to the US after a magical six months residing in Spain. And yet, the backhanded comments about how “it’s so weird to be eating dinner before 10pm, the observations that the gin and tonics “just aren’t the same,” and the refusal to consume any red wine that isn’t Rioja have not lessened in the slightest.

9. The Over-Pronouncer

Adopts a strange accent for every single non-New American restaurant before entering, and insists on over-pronouncing every single menu item with the precision of a third-grader reading an English translation dictionary. In fact, “The Over-Pronouncer” is known to carry said dictionary, or at least a translation app that relays how to say “thank you” and “hello” (incorrectly) in the language of the cuisine’s origins, despite the fact that the joint is run by a white hipster who simply likes tikka masala.

8. The Insta Influencer

By the time each dish is carefully photographed and each hashtag is hashtagged, the food is cold, but the “Insta Influencer” doesn’t even notice because they’re too busy talking about how they’re really working to build their brand. They have followers.

7. The Expense Account

After a few years into a finance gig, “The Expense Account” became a little bit bored with steakhouses and began furiously checking off the city’s priciest tasting menus. He can rarely recall much in the way of details on a favorite dish, but can definitely inform you with zero sense of modesty how much $$$$$.

6. The Name Dropper

The minute you walk in the door with this human megaphone, “The Name Dropper” is already telling everybody within earshot about knowing the chef or the owner. This habit hits a wonderful crescendo at that magical moment when “The Name Dropper” tells the owner they know the owner.

5. Captain Irony

It’s all about the irony. He always suggests you eat at Applebee’s, because it’s ironic! He’ll show up at a fancy dinner party with a couple Totino’s Party Pizzas… FOR IRONY! Eventually, you find out that he’s super-broke and likes to eat garbage. And, he doesn’t know what ironic means.

4. The Breadless Wonder

Not celiac or anything, but experienced a huge life change after going gluten-free after self-diagnosing a gluten sensitivity via a 2013 copy of Cosmo that was at the dentist’s office. Somehow continues to express wide-eyed bewilderment that exchanging grilled cheeses and chicken fingers for salads have led to increased energy and weight loss.

3. The Authenticator

“The Authenticator” fancies himself the arbiter of “authenticity” when it comes to a wide range of cuisines that originate in countries he has never experienced outside of a half-assed viewing of Bizarre Foods during a hangover. This person brags “we were the only white people in the restaurant” with a frequency and fervor that kind of weirds everybody else out. Does not respond well to being corrected.

2. The Competitive Eater

No, not like the hot-dog-eating contest competitive. That dude’s cool! In this case, “The Competitive Eater” is that person who can’t let someone else talk about a trip they’ve taken, a dish they’ve cooked, or a restaurant they’ve tried without immediately pointing to something they’ve experienced that is undoubtedly superior. Gets weirdly upset when the table concludes someone else’s entree was better than theirs.

1. The Elite Yelper

Enters any beloved restaurant with an unspoken plan to “take them down a peg,” ready to pounce on the slightest misstep in service and levy unfounded complaints about the texture of the pasta. Of course, if the establishment in question caters to “The Elite Yelper’s” outsized ego when they casually let it slip that they’re a “restaurant critic,” things might play out differently. Re-reading particularly biting one-star reviews in the dark of night before falling asleep is the only thing that keeps the loneliness at bay.