Recently I was hired to teach online for a college. In addition to lots and lots of information to fill out, I had to take a Drug Test.  I have never had a drug test, so didn’t think to look up how it was done.  I was thinking it was a blood test.

I got the email Friday mid-morning and had to have the test results in by the coming Monday.  So I called the local lab, that had been assigned to me for the test.  It was about 11:00 AM and they were only open till 11:30 PM.  The young woman was very nice and said she would wait for me to come in, as it was at least twenty minutes from my home. Additionally she told me she did not leave till 12:30 PM, so not to worry.  I didn’t think anything about it, as I do not do any drugs.

At that moment in time, I had been up a while, had a couple cups of coffee and was out the door in two minutes. When I arrived I had to wait about twenty minutes. No problem, as I sat and read their more than a year old magazines.  I wished I had grabbed a book on the way out the door of my home, as I usually do when I think I might have to wait.

When it was finally my turn, I found out it was a urine test rather than a blood test.  As she locked my belongings in a cupboard and sent me in to do the test, I thought it would be easy until I saw the size of the container.  I was thinking of the water bottle in my car, that I did not bother to drink on the drive to the lab.

As you might guess, I failed the first attempt at filling the container.  The young woman at the desk told me I could drink six cups of water and try again.  So I drank six cups of water, waited at least half an hour, did a drawing with the paper and pencils put out for kids, as my phone was still locked in the cupboard and the magazines were really not of any interest to me.  I think I am past reading Parenting magazines, as my sons are in their thirties.

Needless to say, I failed the second attempt.  She said I really should not drink any more water, as it was not allowed; but she let me drink four more glasses.  Ten glasses of very cold water is a lot, and I actually had a bit of a stomachache by then.  I asked if I could have my phone back for entertainment.

She told me they locked the clinic at 1 PM, so I had till then to try and “pass the test”. I decided I would sit and wait until the last minute; as I did not want to have to call the school and tell them why I had failed this simple test and get another assignment.  I sat and watched the clock and at one minute to 1 PM, I finally passed the test.

Nothing like wasting an hour and a half of a perfectly good day, sitting in a small office. And to add insult to injury, it was sunny and wonderful when I arrived and it was pouring down rain when I left.

So if you ever have to be “drug tested” drink a LOT of water on the drive to the lab.